4/8/18

María Manzano                                          

Dear diary, today is April 8th, 2018. Today we didn’t have any school, it was shut down for the day! (Which is fine), I hate fourth grade. Well, kind of. Some of the people there are so mean to me! I stay for my friends, and also because it makes my mama happy. Oh, and I just remembered! On the topic of mama, I asked mama about why school started closing more recently, and she told me because of the heat, but it’s only spring… I think she was lying. I wish mama would stop lying to me, it makes me sad most days. Or sometimes when I ask her to go outside and she’ll say it’s too chilly, especially whenever an ice cream van comes by. Now, I started to hate ice cream! Maybe mama doesn’t want me to eat it since it’s unhealthy, which I agree even if it’s very yummy. On the same topic, I stopped eating ice, even though I like the way the soft ice slowly dissolves in my mouth, I don’t want ice. 

It was weird seeing my mom get all uncomfortable when I yelled ice this morning. I was just looking at the ice box once she opened the freezer; I don’t get why she flames up all the time! She’ll even get mad and start to tell me ice is bad, to not say it out loud, not even eat it. It hurts my feelings everyday, I love ice! And I hate whenever my mama yells at me. Because what about Ice cream? Or even a snowcone, it’s all so good, so I don’t get why mama hugs me close when Uncle Mateo yells “ice,” sometimes it feels like my chest might close. But even though I stopped eating it, I still don’t think it tastes that bad. 

4/15/18

María Manzano

Dear diary, today is April 15th, 2018. I miss daddy.  I haven’t seen him in a while and mama tells me he’s on a trip to Mexico. I hate daddy. I wish he took me too! I hate not being around daddy. I miss whenever he’d help me tie my hair into a ponytail every morning, or whenever he’d try to braid my hair. It always looked so bad! But I still miss him so much. Mama does it now, it always looks perfect. I hate that. I miss daddy. I miss daddy a lot.

But I forgot to tell you, today at school we had a lockdown! Everything is so scary, daddy’s gone and school keeps shutting down… I saw a group of policemen by the school but the teachers told us not to worry. I’m really scared. Mama has been making me pack my backpack. I don’t want to leave! But mama says I might meet daddy, which isn’t all that bad. 

I like school. I have a couple friends, Isabel and Carlos. Not many other people talk to me. Especially because of Serafina. She literally laughs every time she sees me! So what if I eat lunch with the teacher? Once I heard her say, “look, she’s sitting with her kind again.” 

It hurt. I don’t know what it meant, but it stung. I think maybe it’s because I’m a little darker. My arms are a little hairier, and my hair’s darker. Carlos and Isabel do look a little like me. At least more than the other kids. Their hair is a perfect yellow, another teacher calls it blonde. They’re all treated so nice too! Sometimes that teacher even rolls their eyes at me, it hurts my feelings. I wish they treated me like that too.

I wish my skin was lighter.

Maybe if my hair was blonder.

4/19/18

Maria Manzano

Dear diary, today is April 19th, 2018. I’m about to go to school. Today I’m going to stand up to Serafina! I’m tired of how she treats me. Mama says it’s bullying. So I’m going to finally do something!

Oh, and I have a red bow today. It’s the one daddy got me for Valentine’s. It’s going to be my good luck charm. I’m so excited! Wish me luck- a lot.

Hi diary, I’m back. I hated today. I did it, Serafina was too mean! She told me she’ll get my family deported by ICE! The teacher spoke to her about it outside, but I got in trouble for antagonizing her! Now I’m suspended. I’m so mad! I think I know what ICE means, I asked Mama after I put my backpack by the door, sorry, I forgot. Since last week mama has been asking me to keep my backpack near the door every time I go home. But mama didn’t scream at me; if anything, she seemed relieved. 

I can’t tell; she’s been too stressed lately. I’m really scared for Mama. 

4/21/18

Maria Manzano

I’m sorry. I couldn’t wait. I think I know what happened to daddy. Mama was talking about legal papers, then about daddy. It reminds me of what Serafina was talking about. Even though mama didn’t tell me, I searched it up still. I wish mama never lied to me.

I hope mama has papers too. Life isn’t the best, but I like it here. I miss school, I go back Tuesday. I really hope I have a good week. Sorry, not much to write about… life’s really so boring without school, I miss it all.

4/22/18

Maria Manzano

Dear diary, today is April 22nd, 2018. The first day back was okay! It was very calming, not much happened and for once not even mama freaked out. Mama didn’t even tell me to put my backpack by the door. I think she’s warming up to the fact I won’t get hurt, neither will she! 

She even let me start walking to school with Isabel and Carlos again! I’m so excited. Today was the first day we spoke Spanish on the whole walk without anybody batting an eye, it was mostly to teach Carlos since he couldn’t speak Spanish. We taught him mostly regular conversation, Isabel kept trying to teach him swear words! It was funny, I just told her to stop since I knew daddy always said it wasn’t good to lie, not even for some silly joke, which she got.

At school, I felt almost respected? Not exactly, it still felt all the same but my classmates seemed a little nicer, or intimidated. Can’t really tell, which isn’t bad! At least they’re warming up to me, except Serafina. She kept glaring daggers at me all class! Sorry, Ms. Raubert taught us that, I think that was figurative? I’m not sure. But I just wanted to use it, back onto topic now… I wish I could make it up to Serafina. I feel so bad. Maybe I’ll talk to her someday, apologize. It’s the most I can do, then maybe she’ll finally decide to be my friend! 

Sorry, I’m just excited. So excited! I hope this happiness never ends, I’m so happy. Anyway, Maria Manzano is out! See you next entry.

4/26/18

Maria

The banging is getting louder. Mama told me to start writing. The week went by fine. I like school. I love it, I wish I could’ve made up with Serafina. It’s a real big shame. 

Mama tells me that if we let these big angry men inside I’ll go with daddy. I’m kind of scared, I’m not really sure if it was true daddy got sent away or if he’s on vacation, but I don’t think I want to find out. I just don’t get why mama wants me to write, I’d ask her if she wasn’t so busy. Last time I saw Mama this morning, she had on daddies ring and purple pretty dress, and she told me she’d promise to braid my hair today, the front of it so whenever I pushed it back to a ponytail or just combed it out it’ll look all nice and wavy! 

But all of a sudden, there was some sharp bang that scared us both, but of course I was hiding behind her so I had no time to see, and of course mama sent me up to her room, said not to come out unless she told me to. But then, mama screamed.

Mama screamed?

I had heard my own mama scream, “Out, no, not my daughter.” Then the group downstairs were rustling for a few moments, it all suddenly stopped, I could not even hear mama’s voice. And for one moment, I wanted to call mama, yell her name the loudest but I can’t. I’m really scared.

Is this why mama told me to go upstairs and write?

Is ICE really real? And not just some bad flavor like mint chocolate, something scarier and all bad? But I’ll keep writing, just for mama. No matter if I can hear how deep the stomp goes as it gets closer with each step, one after another, wondering which shoes they could’ve been wearing. 

Even with my hands shaking as I write, I could hear a rifle chambering out my room, and a silent radio in the back.

All I can say, I’ve never really liked ice. No matter how sweet it seems, not even ice cream is the best.

So no, I don’t like I —